“Trying to Find My Way, My Way”- {Guest Post Sonya Schroeder}

A Thanksgiving of PRAISE

Welcomes:

Sonya Schroeder

writer of

Becoming a Strong Woman of God

I did not grow up in a Christian home at all. I do remember attending church for a short period of my young life and when I hit the 5th grade I don’t remember going anymore. I always carried around a belief in God however did not have a personal relationship with Him.

When I turned 15 my step dad and mom got a divorce after 10 years of marriage. I was torn in all kinds of directions because I was close to my step dad. I could not figure out what went wrong. The hardest part of going through this was when my step dad divorced my mom he divorced me to. I could not understand after 10 years why he didn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore. This began my life of destruction.

I was confused inside, unsure of how to go on in life. I felt so unloved and not wanted that I would cling to anything that would notice me. All I could think about was is “what did I do wrong for him to leave us”. This went on for a year where then I met a guy who could see all the signs that I was SO insecure and woo me off my feet. He provided the attention that I was longing for from my dad. I didn’t care how he gave me attention; I was just excited to get anything. I ended up letting my guard down and having sex with him, which was my first time, then became pregnant.

My whole life was already turned upside down now I added to it by making poor decisions based on what my dad did to me. I then had to endure rejection from the guy, his family, my school, my family all while a little one was growing inside me. I thought, my life just could not get any worse. I was still not noticing God, just my pity party.

Over the next 10 years my life would be even more turned upside down. While all of this was going on I did not feel God with me at all. I thought to myself why would He let this happen to me. I was still not attending church or surrounded by anyone who shared more of Him with me. I went on to have my baby boy at 16 years of age and became a single parent with a lot of baggage from the guy.

I began to drink, party and seek men for attention. It was a long road to God. I know now that He was always there cleaning up my messes, however, He never “gave up” on me. Any man that would give me attention I would cling to them. I felt so dirty every time I looked into the mirror. I thought is this it, is this all my life is going to be. Disappointment after disappointment was the story of my life until I met my wonderful husband.

He was so awesome and I thought finally I might be able to be happy. He swept me off my feet and before we knew it, we were married. I thought this would finally fill the hole that my step dad left behind. The first year was so hard. I walked around with the attitude that my husband was going to leave me so I was already prepared for him to do that. I still to this day can’t believe he stayed, but grateful he did.

We were still not attending a church and my relationship with God was still the same, just knowing of Him. It wasn’t until 4 years into our marriage that the biggest challenge would be handed to us, my husband would deploy to Iraq for 1 year. What a blow, new town, no friends just me and 3 kids.

This is where the Lord really started to woo me closer. The next year would find my life a trying one. I dove into my job and worked all the time. I grew distance from my kids and was losing my marriage slowly. The enemy found this to be exciting and went to great links to destroy my marriage and because I was not equipped he almost succeeded.

I was so lonely that if a man looked at me it gave me butterflies. I craved my husband so bad but he was a million miles away. I was still fighting to get through this my way. Needless to say we got through the deployment but not without a lot of scars. When my husband returned home we were so disconnected, distance unsure of where our marriage would go. It was hard to get back in the swing of things. We ended up fighting all the time and slowly we were becoming more distant. We then decided to see a counselor only to learn that he would be deploying again.

This was a shock for our family and we were not prepared at all. Slowly we were getting back to the basics in our marriage and now we were gonna have to go through it all over again. I did not think we were going to make it.

This deployment would change everything. It was 10 times harder this time because I did not get to talk to my husband as much as the first deployment. It was so bad that I would carry my phone with me and if I missed a call I may not get to talk to him again for days my world would be filled with sadness. This year would be trying, things were starting to repeat themselves in our marriage and I had no idea how we would get through this.

I started to feel lonely and when someone would notice me it would give me butterflies yet again. This time it really scared me. I thought is it possible to miss someone so much that you would cross the line? Not to cause harm to the other person but just to fill the loneliness that one is feeling? It was then that I knew I could NOT do this alone. A sermon came on TV and at the end told us how we could accept Christ. I knew He was calling to me. I got on my knees and begged Him to forgive me, that I could not do another day by myself.

That next day I could tell my whole life changed. God had forgiven me and gave me a new life. He made me hungry for Him and that began my journey to a personal relationship in learning all about Him.

This happened 3 months before my husband was due to come home. God then gave me the strength to carry on while my husband was gone. I then surrounded myself with Godly women, prayed and read the bible so that I could learn all I could. When my husband arrived home it was still not easy, there were even 2 times after he returned that I did not think we were going to make it through, however, every time I was about to leave, the Lord would whisper, "I got this give me more time". He gave me a sense of peace that I know came from Him to carry on.

The next 5 years have been a lot of ups and downs in learning what God wants from me. Learning how to completely surrender is the key to this peace living life. I know now that all that I went through was to be able to get to Him. He used my messes to get me to Him. He used “my way” journey to show me that He can help us overcome anything because He has already overcame the world.

Today my life is all about Him. Every day is a daily struggle, however, I am learning to die to self and pick up my cross so that I NEVER go back to where I was. It was painful to go back there to write my story, however, I do know that someone will find much hope through my journey.

 Serving Him With Joy,
Sonya

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