The Accidental Wife - {Guest Post Richele McFarlin}

I am so honored and excited to have Richele McFarlin sharing her heart today.  I am so blessed by her transparency in sharing that not everyone comes from the fairy tale beginnings, however we serve a God that runs to the broken and quickly forgives His children even when we struggle to forgive ourselves.

Please Welcome

Richele McFarlin

writer from

Under the Golden Apple Tree

to

Beautiful Mommy Feet

and don't forget to link-up your story for the chance to win Paul Tripps book "What Did You Expect?"

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With pregnancy test in hand I began to pray. 

“Please God, not pregnant.  Please, not pregnant…not pregnant.”

The strangeness of this prayer was not lost on me.  After having lived without the Lord’s guidance for so long I was praying for God to save me from the natural consequence of sin.  Desperation drowns out reason. 

Weakness flooded my body and my knees buckled.  The result window revealed my life would be forever changed.  How could this be happening to me now? While the biological answer is simple, I felt like many women in my situation who all of a sudden feel it is unreasonable to expect pregnancy while being unmarried and sexually active.

Shaking fingers dialed my boyfriend’s number.  Thoughts of last night’s discussion on the merit of their relationship pierced my mind.  He sounded concerned by the tremble in my voice and said he would be right over.   

He took the news like hearing a bad weather report.  How could he be so calm?  His thoughts centered on logistics.  Without medical insurance a plan had to be made concerning the financial obligation of the birth.  He said that marriage may be the only option since he had insurance through his employment.

Marriage the may be the only option.

My heart shattered. 

I tired to scoop up the pieces of my heart but it kept falling through my fingers.  Pieces hit the ground and some would forever be embedded in that moment. 

The day was not celebrated with throwing rice, flowers, or an elegant reception.  It was a day.  The next day happened as if it was all a dream. 

Was there any hope of a loving marriage and a happy family?

Living outside the will of God is like living in an alternate reality.  You doubt where you are and where you should be.  The questions you ask yourself are never ending. 

Is he the man I should be married to?  Am I the wife I should be?  Is this the family God intended?  Will he ever love me?  Does he want to be married to me?  Would he have married me if I did not get pregnant?

Mercy, grace, love and forgiveness break down dark walls and shine God’s light into your soul. The Lord can scoop up the pieces.  Yes, even the smallest bits and restore your heart.  Even on the days you cannot forgive yourself.  Even on the days you doubt love exists.  Even on the days the pieces seem too small and too jagged to be restored.  The Lord wants your heart to be whole and will put it back together as many times as you are foolish enough to break it apart. 

Love never left the equation but it was buried by a logical decision to marry.  My marriage felt unauthentic since my hand was not asked for on bended knee. I would never have a white gown; a first pregnancy introduced with joy, the reassurance marriage was not forced.  I spent years frustrating my husband with unreasonable behavior which disguised pleas for proof of love.  I spent years overlooking the proof.  The enemy uses a heart determined to stay broken to cast doubt and fear. The enemy will cripple you with the past sin you refuse to leave at the cross.  If you live in the shadow of sin long enough your soul will wilt.  I love my husband and thank God for him and my family.  The Lord has blessed my marriage with love and four reflections of heaven.  His mercy did that despite my sin.  

My hope is that every woman experiences a pure marriage.  Marriage is the picture of Christ’s love.  When it is tainted the reverberations last throughout the years as a natural consequence of going outside the will of God.  Frail humans were not intended to go down the rocky path of sin.  The Lord is protecting you when He demands you walk in spirit and not in the flesh.

If you are an accidental wife I know the questions, doubt and ache in your heart.  Be encouraged that the Lord heals brokenness and restores hearts. 

More about the heart of Richele McFarlin: Richele is a freelance writer, blogger, and business owner.  Most importantly she is a mother of four reflections of God’s love and married to a man who she does not deserve. She is thankful for the trials and blessings that serve to bring her closer to the Lord.  She desperately tries to live a purposeful life amongst spilled milk and crumbs on the carpet.  You can find her blogging at Under the Golden Apple Tree.  You can also find her on Facebook!